Before I was a Mom...

Before I was a Mom,
I had never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on,
Pooped on,
Chewed on,
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know that feeling of
having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment,
or the satisfaction of being a mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much
before I was a mom.

I had a wonderful mother's day! I am so blessed to have a wonderful mother and wonderful children! I can't imagine my life without them! The kids got me all kinds of goodies from their school. Dustin gave me flowers and chocolate! I am so spoilt! Dalton gave me this card he made at school. It melted my heart. He is so sweet!

Just a Week Late...I am a Mom

Okay so this post is just short of a week late but I have been a busy person and honestly with the week I have had Mother's Day was a little tough to write about.

I was so excited about this Mother's Day! For the first time in my life I was not just a caregiver, a foster parent, an aunt, or expecting to be a mom. I am a mom. I know it's silly but for the first mother's day in my life I feel like I can stand up and be acknowledged as a mom. Oh, I know I have been a mom for the past three years, but Dalton and Lyric have never been mine to keep and even though Lyric has called me "mom" since she was 1. I felt that I always had to clarify that I am actually her "aunt". Why? I don't know really. Maybe it was my way of preparing myself and her for the time when I would no longer be her mom.



But now.....well I am a mom. On July 9, 2008 a beautiful baby girl was laid on my stomach. She was mine. I don't have to pack and send her away on the weekends. I don't have to share the title "mom" with anyone else. I don't have to worry about the day when she will have to move and leave our family for good. She is mine as long as God sees fit to love and cherish and raise. I thank God every day for her. I don't know how I would be getting through the next few weeks without her. Her smiles fill my heart and reminds me of all things good.


Samara will never replace Dalton and Lyric. They were well....my first. They taught me more than I probably ever taught them, including what being a mom is all about. Oh...how I love them. My heart breaks thinking about the silence and emptiness that will soon envelop our house. I will never forget the first time Lyric called me "mom". She was in her high chair and we were getting ready to go to some DHS classes so that we could be approved to keep them long term. I couldn't believe my ears. In some ways is sounded like music to my ears as we had been trying to have a baby for a couple of years already and I longed to be called "mom". In other ways it made me want to cry when I realized all that my sister was missing out on. I tried hard to get Lyric to call me "Auntie" but if you know Lyric you know that when she has her mind made up about something she is a hard one to change! And so I have been her "mom" and will always be her "mom" when needed.

For some reason I didn't get a picture with Dalton on Mother's Day. I think he was too busy playing. I have not always done everything right but one thing I have done right is love Dalton and Lyric with all my heart. It is hard to deal with the change that is happening and I am ashamed that at times I react in hurt and anger. I only hope that I can lead Dalton and Lyric by example in love. I pray that they will both have the relationship with their mom that every child longs for. I pray that they will know the love that only a mother can give every night as they fall asleep and every morning that greets them.

Here is my sweetness. We were both so tired after a long flight home from NYC!

There is no mom like my mom. When we arrived home she had washed all of our dirty laundry. She is always thinking of me. Our relationship has always been very close and more than a mother/daughter relationship we are friends. I only hope I will have the same with Samara.
You can't see it very well. But Dustin totally spoiled me and had a mother's ring made for me. It is absolutely beautiful! It has all of our birthstones and our names are engraved in the ring as well. I am so blessed to have a husband like him.