God is Faithful

That was the title of the message at church this morning. It couldn't have come at a better time in my life. I needed to hear the words that were spoken. Once again God began to heal the broken places in my heart. I have let myself believe lies and become bitter over Dalton and Lyric's situation. I even thought to myself on the way to church this morning, "This whole mess was for nothing." I felt angry, hurt, and bitter.

It is amazing how God can know our hearts before we do. The last bible story I read to Dalton and Lyric was the story of Joseph and how his brothers plotted to kill him and ended up selling him as a slave. In the end Joseph was not bitter and loved them despite how they had treated him. This story has stuck with me over the past two days and then today the speaker stated the following, "Don't be bitter, be better. God is faithful to be our comforter."

I am thankful for all my friends and family that prayed for us this weekend. I am thankful that God is with us every step of the way and that He is there to be our comfort. I miss them terribly even though they have only been gone for a day it is the knowing that they will not return and our life will change. It is so strange to always be making plans and caring for 3 and then to suddenly only have 1. The house feels empty and strange. I went back to their bedrooms to finish picking up tonight and they are so empty. I could not help but remember painting and decorating each of their rooms and the many nights we laughed and loved together. I know that as time passes it will not be so hard. I just have to focus on God and today and let Him take care of tomorrow.

Here are a few pics of the kids the morning before they moved.

I don't know what was up with the arm thing! They were being a little silly!

I promise my next post will not be sad and will be about something fun and exciting!

I Will Miss Them

I have dreaded this night for the past 2 years. It is now here and I don't even know what to say. We had a wonderful night at the park. We made sandwiches and cookies to take with us. They had lots of fun and when we got home we all got baths. That was the easy part.

Telling Dalton and Lyric "goodnight" and praying with them for the last time before they move to their mom's house was heartwrenching. In fact I cried. I have not cried or showed any emotion to them about moving until tonight. I could not help it. Actually we all cried and then we prayed. I somehow straightened myself up enough to tell them goodnight on a happy note but the minute I left their rooms the tears started pouring again.

Tomorrow will be hard but it is all the days and weeks that follow without them that I will miss the most. Tonight a friend said to me, "Won't you miss Lyric's laugh?" I will most definitely miss her laugh among other things....
I will miss.....
their smiles
I will miss Lyric's mischievious laugh
I will miss the way Lyric calls me "mommy" and the way Dalton calls me "momma"
I will miss Dalton's sweet hugs
I will miss the way Lyric says to Dustin "me and mommy are the princesses and you and Dalton are the kings"
I will miss the way Lyric tells us a story about her day and it gets larger than life before she is finished
I will miss the way Dalton tries to be just like Dustin
I will miss watching them both dance while we are watching "American Idol" or "Dancing with the Stars"
I will miss the way they love and entertain Samara
I will miss Dalton telling me about his dreams every morning
I will miss playing hair and makeup with Lyric
I will miss all the bedtime stories, prayers, and kisses

I will miss them. They have forever changed my life and will forever hold a special place in my heart. I love you Dalton & Lyric.

Our Last Weekend....

...as a family of 5 was all I had hoped for. We had so much fun! I am so thankful that we were able to really enjoy every day we had!

Saturday we took Dalton and Lyric to Frontier City. The weather was perfect. Warm enough but not too hot. The park was not that crowded and we were able to ride the rides with very little wait. It was so much fun. Dalton and Lyric are little dare devils! They both rode every ride that they could including some "big" roller coasters.

Sunday after church we took the kids to the zoo. It was very busy but we had a lot of fun! Dalton really enjoyed the dinosaur exhibit and Lyric as usual loved all the animals! Samara was not quite sure what to think but she had a good time and was a really good baby especially for missing her nap and it being pretty warm outside. Here are pics of the kids ready for church. I think they are absolutely adorable!

At the zoo!

That evening we had movie night and ate pizza while watching Mary Poppins! Dalton and Lyric had never seen it and it had been so long since I had watched it.

Monday we stayed home and relaxed! I set up the kids swimming pools in the backyard while Dustin finished up some work at the school. Wish I had pics of the kids playing in the water but I forgot. Samara didn't want to get in her pool. She would hold her legs up out of the water when I tried to put her down in it. We grilled out that evening with friends. It was a great way to end our long weekend. Great memories were made. In fact Dalton lost his 2nd tooth Monday night. He actually pulled it out and the tooth fairy not only left him money but a note under his pillow! He was so excited! I still remember when the tooth fairy left me a note.....that was quite a few years ago but the memory has never gone away.

Just an Update

This momma has been sick. I did good just to make it through the week. Dalton and I both came down with strep throat on Monday. We are finally feeling better although my head still hurts in the evening. So that has been our week in a nutshell.

Samara did have her 10 month check up last Friday. She is growing, growing. She weighed 19 lbs 4 oz. and was 27 1/2 inches tall. I do say this alot here lately but time really is flying by. I can't believe I am starting to plan her first birthday. As Dustin would say, "tear". She has started walking with her push toy and walked across our entire living room without falling but she is not brave enough to let go yet. Although she is not walking she can move fast. A couple of days ago she crawled into our bedroom and shut the door and then cried because she couldn't get out. She still only has two bottom teeth but she knows how to use them! We are really looking forward to spending lots of time with her this summer.

Dalton and Lyric are doing well. They are excited about the end of the school year and all the fun activities that brings. Last week I attended Lyric's Pre-K slideshow/graduation. It brought tears to my eyes. It amazes me how much they grow and change their first year of school. I also attended Dalton's Reading Restaurant. He was my waiter and read me some great poems and stories written by none other than Dalton! It was a fun day!

I can't believe it is just one week until the big move. We are starting to pack more of their stuff and I can tell that it is going to be a tough week emotionally. We are finally going to be able to take them to Frontier City tomorrow. It looks like the weather will finally cooperate. I am really looking to a fun day with them. I am trying to focus on good things like my remaining time with Dalton and Lyric, our upcoming trip to Hawaii, and of course my little one. The next couple of weeks will be really busy so that will help me focus on other things. I always do better when I am busy. I hope everyone has a great memorial weekend!

One other thing....we are baby sitting Tuffy this weekend! My cousin called and asked if we could watch him since they are going out of town. He is acting like he never left! It feels weird. Samara absolutely loves him! She wanted to hug him but he was not so sure about that!

Just a Week Late...I am a Mom

Okay so this post is just short of a week late but I have been a busy person and honestly with the week I have had Mother's Day was a little tough to write about.

I was so excited about this Mother's Day! For the first time in my life I was not just a caregiver, a foster parent, an aunt, or expecting to be a mom. I am a mom. I know it's silly but for the first mother's day in my life I feel like I can stand up and be acknowledged as a mom. Oh, I know I have been a mom for the past three years, but Dalton and Lyric have never been mine to keep and even though Lyric has called me "mom" since she was 1. I felt that I always had to clarify that I am actually her "aunt". Why? I don't know really. Maybe it was my way of preparing myself and her for the time when I would no longer be her mom.



But now.....well I am a mom. On July 9, 2008 a beautiful baby girl was laid on my stomach. She was mine. I don't have to pack and send her away on the weekends. I don't have to share the title "mom" with anyone else. I don't have to worry about the day when she will have to move and leave our family for good. She is mine as long as God sees fit to love and cherish and raise. I thank God every day for her. I don't know how I would be getting through the next few weeks without her. Her smiles fill my heart and reminds me of all things good.


Samara will never replace Dalton and Lyric. They were well....my first. They taught me more than I probably ever taught them, including what being a mom is all about. Oh...how I love them. My heart breaks thinking about the silence and emptiness that will soon envelop our house. I will never forget the first time Lyric called me "mom". She was in her high chair and we were getting ready to go to some DHS classes so that we could be approved to keep them long term. I couldn't believe my ears. In some ways is sounded like music to my ears as we had been trying to have a baby for a couple of years already and I longed to be called "mom". In other ways it made me want to cry when I realized all that my sister was missing out on. I tried hard to get Lyric to call me "Auntie" but if you know Lyric you know that when she has her mind made up about something she is a hard one to change! And so I have been her "mom" and will always be her "mom" when needed.

For some reason I didn't get a picture with Dalton on Mother's Day. I think he was too busy playing. I have not always done everything right but one thing I have done right is love Dalton and Lyric with all my heart. It is hard to deal with the change that is happening and I am ashamed that at times I react in hurt and anger. I only hope that I can lead Dalton and Lyric by example in love. I pray that they will both have the relationship with their mom that every child longs for. I pray that they will know the love that only a mother can give every night as they fall asleep and every morning that greets them.

Here is my sweetness. We were both so tired after a long flight home from NYC!

There is no mom like my mom. When we arrived home she had washed all of our dirty laundry. She is always thinking of me. Our relationship has always been very close and more than a mother/daughter relationship we are friends. I only hope I will have the same with Samara.
You can't see it very well. But Dustin totally spoiled me and had a mother's ring made for me. It is absolutely beautiful! It has all of our birthstones and our names are engraved in the ring as well. I am so blessed to have a husband like him.

Going Back

Last week was quite unusual and so I am just now getting slightly caught up. Samara started running a fever on Monday and that night it kept getting higher and she would not drink or eat. So I took her to the dr. on Tuesday. Poor baby had a double ear infection and had to get a shot. Unfortunately she ran a 104 to 105 temperature all day Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday her temperature was lower but I stayed home with her since she had been so sick and we had no sleep for the previous 3 nights.



Here is a picture of Samara's eye. It was so swollen and matted when she woke up Tuesday morning. I felt so bad for her but she had a smile for me anyway.

Tuesday night we received one of those phone calls that you always dread. We had just gone to bed when we received a phone call from our best friends in NY. Gee Yip, a board member and very good friend from our church there had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. They later determined it was a heart problem that he never knew about. We felt so torn but knew that we could not travel to NY with Samara being so sick and with ticket prices over $450 per ticket. So we accepted that we could not be with our friends in there time of need. On Thursday night I received a phone call from my best friend. She stated the funeral was on Friday night and asked if there was anyway possible we could make it. I told her Samara was better but we could not afford tickets unless they were under $300. I told her I would check again but really didn't think much of it. Too make a long story short....we got tickets for a little over $200! At 8:00 on Thursday night we started packing and making preparations to go to NY the next day. I would love to write about all the awesome things God did to allow us to make it to NY in time for the funeral but you would probably get tired of reading my writing so I am just going to say that God granted us favor with the ticketing agents we met and even though we were not scheduled to arrive in NY until 9:30 p.m. that night we were there at 5:15 and was able to attend the funeral at 7:00.

I must admit that I was so nervous about this trip that I almost made myself sick. Even though I hadn't slept for nights I could not sleep the night before leaving. We have not traveled back to NY since Samara's accident and I kept thinking, "What if something bad happens again?" "What is Samara gets the swine flu?", "What is she gets sick again and won't sleep and the trip is a nightmare?" I even suggested that Dustin should go alone and I would stay home with her but he told me I needed to get over my fears.

It amazes me when I think back to this fastest trip ever to NY how God's hand was upon us. We definitely wished we were going under different circumstances but it could not have went smoother. Samara did wonderful! She is quite the little traveler! She did great on the planes, she handled well the many, many people that loved and held her that she didn't even know, she took her naps when she got tired, and she slept all night both nights we were there. We got to love on our friends that suffered such a great loss, we got to see friends that we had not seen the last few times we had visited, and we were able to visit Iris (Dustin's 2nd mom) who had a major surgery that week. We even squeezed in a couple of hours of relaxation with our best friends Robert and Deidre the night before we left. The trip was super busy but we felt so fulfilled as we traveled home. I am so amazed that after 3 years our family in NY welcomed us with open arms and it felt like we had never left. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends. To Mildred, Millicent, and Alyssa - we love you! We are praying for God's peace and strength during this extremely difficult time.

Here are some pics of Samara when we first got to NY and playing on the plane! She was so good!

Reflections

I came across this poem and it spoke volumes to me as I have been reflecting on our journey to have a child as well as our journey with Dalton and Lyric. It reminds me of myself and the many conversations I have had with God over the past few years.

Wait
By Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait.""Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word."My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Samara's reflux is doing much better this week. I did not have to take her off the medication which was a big relief. Thanks to everyone who prayed for her last week.

4 Weeks Left

Yesterday I started going through Dalton and Lyric's stuff. Throwing away junk, taking stuff they don't play with anymore to give away, and packing up the stuff they still play with. My sister met me and helped to decide what she actually wanted the kids to take with them. It was a hard thing to do but I handled it very well. I really didn't think about what I was doing so much as I need to get this done.

My sister packed up a lot of their stuff. I only kept a few things for them to have here until they finally leave. That is exactly four weeks away. We only have 2 weekends left with them. My mind is racing, constantly questioning and second guessing all that is happening. Should I let them go? Is this the best thing for them? Have I made the right impact on their life? Will they miss me? Will they understand? Will they be safe? What if this is the wrong thing to do?, what if I'm not there for them and they need me?, what if this is all a big mistake?

I cannot really wrap my mind around what is happening. I know this is real..... I know they will not be here to wake up in the morning....I know they will not tell me daily stories about the good and bad things that happened at school.....I know Lyric will not play hair and makeup with me at night.....I know Dalton will not read to me every day after school.....I know I will not be able to read, pray, and kiss them goodnight. I know all this but it hurts to much to really believe. It feels like we are just preparing for them to go on an extended visit somewhere and they will be back to stay. I don't know...only God does that's why I'm just trusting Him.

So we are trying to make the most of the last 2 weekends we have with Dalton and Lyric at home. Next Saturday we are taking them to Frontier City. It's a surprise! They have never been and we are really hoping for good weather. My mom is coming up to watch Samara so we can really enjoy the day with them. I'm so looking forward to this time. It reminds me of 2 summers ago when we took them to Disneyland. It was an awesome trip....one that we had hoped to take again with them. It may not be Disneyland but I'm sure we will make lots of special memories together again.