Disappointment....

Everyone faces disappointment in life. Some disappointments are small. Like the one Dalton and Lyric woke up to this morning when there wasn't enought snow to build a snowman. I must admit that I was just as disappointed. I love snow! I miss living in NY and having at least 2 large snow storms a winter.

Other disappointments are larger and affect our lives in a bigger way. Lately I have had some major disappointments in my life.

Dalton and Lyric will be leaving in nine short weeks. Even though I've known it was coming,
reality hit me full force while they were gone for Spring Break. I can't explain the disappointment I feel with life in general regarding this situation. I love them so much! I remember the day I picked Dalton and Lyric up from the DHS worker. They were so little. Lyric was just 17 months old and Dalton was a curious 3 year old excited to get to stay at auntie's house. I remember the first time Lyric called me "mom". I remember standing outside of Dalton's door at night while he cried for his mom. I remember the first week of dropping Dalton off at day care and how he was not the only one crying. I remember standing in the mirror with Lyric and her turning around and saying, "Mommy you are so pretty, just like me!" I remember the trip to Disneyland, trips to the zoo, and movie nights at home. I remember when I brought Samara home from the hospital and how I held Lyric and cried because it felt like she had grown up all of a sudden. I remember thinking that they would be here until they were grown. But that is not to be, and I am left disappointed with life, with the court system, and with my own sister. The only question that keeps running through my mind is "How can you love and raise 2 children for over 3 years and then just let them go...?"

I dealt with another big disappointment just yesterday. After not having an episode for almost 3 months, Samara had one. It was bad. I had taken her to the dr. to check her iron, it was much better. On the way home we stopped by Walmart to pick up some groceries. While in the store I noticed she was sitting funny. I kept saying to her, "Samara why are you sitting like that?" While in the check out line the lady behind us said, "Your baby looks really tired." About that time her head kicked to the side and her eyes rolled back. She started screaming and I picked her up. I was trying to comfort her and finish checking out when she started vomiting everywhere. It was a mess. It didn't help that I was trying to carry her, push the buggy to the car, and the wind was blowing a hundred miles an hour , Oh and did I mention that it was raining! Samara's episode lasted 7 hours. The only medicine that they give her makes her sleep And she does sleep as long as I hold her and she is not vomiting. I am thankful that it has been so long since she had an episode but I am disappointed because I was really hoping she wouldn't have anymore. I feel completely helpless when she goes through these and although dr's are aware of these problems, they do not know exactly what causes them other than severe acid reflux and they do not have many medications to treat it. Their advice...she will eventually grow out of it. I pray that this happens fast.

I know this is not the most upbeat blog, it is just what is really on my heart. I'm not depressed or in a bad mood. I am thankful for the many blessing God has given me. I would not have traded the past years with Dalton and Lyric for anything. Not even to erase the immense pain I am going through now. And even though it seems like Samara has had her share of problems during her short life, she is nothing short of a miracle. So as we all do throughout life, I am learning how to deal with dissappointment. There is a saying, not sure who said it, but it goes something like this, "It's not what happens to us in life that makes us who we are, it's how we handle the things that happen to us." So I'm trying my best to handle these disappointments the way God wants me to. I'm enjoying these last few weeks with Dalton and Lyric to the fullest. I know deep down that it is God who will protect Dalton, Lyric, and Samara during the trials of life. And for the days when I can't seem to keep it together, thank you Dustin, Mom, and Winnie for helping me get through anyway.