That was the title of the message at church this morning. It couldn't have come at a better time in my life. I needed to hear the words that were spoken. Once again God began to heal the broken places in my heart. I have let myself believe lies and become bitter over Dalton and Lyric's situation. I even thought to myself on the way to church this morning, "This whole mess was for nothing." I felt angry, hurt, and bitter.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
God is Faithful
Posted by Dee at 5:59 PM 0 comments
Friday, May 29, 2009
I Will Miss Them
I have dreaded this night for the past 2 years. It is now here and I don't even know what to say. We had a wonderful night at the park. We made sandwiches and cookies to take with us. They had lots of fun and when we got home we all got baths. That was the easy part.
Telling Dalton and Lyric "goodnight" and praying with them for the last time before they move to their mom's house was heartwrenching. In fact I cried. I have not cried or showed any emotion to them about moving until tonight. I could not help it. Actually we all cried and then we prayed. I somehow straightened myself up enough to tell them goodnight on a happy note but the minute I left their rooms the tears started pouring again.
Tomorrow will be hard but it is all the days and weeks that follow without them that I will miss the most. Tonight a friend said to me, "Won't you miss Lyric's laugh?" I will most definitely miss her laugh among other things....
I will miss.....
their smiles
I will miss Lyric's mischievious laugh
I will miss the way Lyric calls me "mommy" and the way Dalton calls me "momma"
I will miss Dalton's sweet hugs
I will miss the way Lyric says to Dustin "me and mommy are the princesses and you and Dalton are the kings"
I will miss the way Lyric tells us a story about her day and it gets larger than life before she is finished
I will miss the way Dalton tries to be just like Dustin
I will miss watching them both dance while we are watching "American Idol" or "Dancing with the Stars"
I will miss the way they love and entertain Samara
I will miss Dalton telling me about his dreams every morning
I will miss playing hair and makeup with Lyric
I will miss all the bedtime stories, prayers, and kisses
I will miss them. They have forever changed my life and will forever hold a special place in my heart. I love you Dalton & Lyric.
Posted by Dee at 8:06 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Our Last Weekend....
...as a family of 5 was all I had hoped for. We had so much fun! I am so thankful that we were able to really enjoy every day we had!
At the zoo!
That evening we had movie night and ate pizza while watching Mary Poppins! Dalton and Lyric had never seen it and it had been so long since I had watched it.
Monday we stayed home and relaxed! I set up the kids swimming pools in the backyard while Dustin finished up some work at the school. Wish I had pics of the kids playing in the water but I forgot. Samara didn't want to get in her pool. She would hold her legs up out of the water when I tried to put her down in it. We grilled out that evening with friends. It was a great way to end our long weekend. Great memories were made. In fact Dalton lost his 2nd tooth Monday night. He actually pulled it out and the tooth fairy not only left him money but a note under his pillow! He was so excited! I still remember when the tooth fairy left me a note.....that was quite a few years ago but the memory has never gone away.
Posted by Dee at 7:24 PM 0 comments
Labels: Dalton, Lyric, Memorial Day, Samara
Friday, May 22, 2009
Just an Update
This momma has been sick. I did good just to make it through the week. Dalton and I both came down with strep throat on Monday. We are finally feeling better although my head still hurts in the evening. So that has been our week in a nutshell.
Samara did have her 10 month check up last Friday. She is growing, growing. She weighed 19 lbs 4 oz. and was 27 1/2 inches tall. I do say this alot here lately but time really is flying by. I can't believe I am starting to plan her first birthday. As Dustin would say, "tear". She has started walking with her push toy and walked across our entire living room without falling but she is not brave enough to let go yet. Although she is not walking she can move fast. A couple of days ago she crawled into our bedroom and shut the door and then cried because she couldn't get out. She still only has two bottom teeth but she knows how to use them! We are really looking forward to spending lots of time with her this summer.
Dalton and Lyric are doing well. They are excited about the end of the school year and all the fun activities that brings. Last week I attended Lyric's Pre-K slideshow/graduation. It brought tears to my eyes. It amazes me how much they grow and change their first year of school. I also attended Dalton's Reading Restaurant. He was my waiter and read me some great poems and stories written by none other than Dalton! It was a fun day!
I can't believe it is just one week until the big move. We are starting to pack more of their stuff and I can tell that it is going to be a tough week emotionally. We are finally going to be able to take them to Frontier City tomorrow. It looks like the weather will finally cooperate. I am really looking to a fun day with them. I am trying to focus on good things like my remaining time with Dalton and Lyric, our upcoming trip to Hawaii, and of course my little one. The next couple of weeks will be really busy so that will help me focus on other things. I always do better when I am busy. I hope everyone has a great memorial weekend!
One other thing....we are baby sitting Tuffy this weekend! My cousin called and asked if we could watch him since they are going out of town. He is acting like he never left! It feels weird. Samara absolutely loves him! She wanted to hug him but he was not so sure about that!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Just a Week Late...I am a Mom
Okay so this post is just short of a week late but I have been a busy person and honestly with the week I have had Mother's Day was a little tough to write about.
I was so excited about this Mother's Day! For the first time in my life I was not just a caregiver, a foster parent, an aunt, or expecting to be a mom. I am a mom. I know it's silly but for the first mother's day in my life I feel like I can stand up and be acknowledged as a mom. Oh, I know I have been a mom for the past three years, but Dalton and Lyric have never been mine to keep and even though Lyric has called me "mom" since she was 1. I felt that I always had to clarify that I am actually her "aunt". Why? I don't know really. Maybe it was my way of preparing myself and her for the time when I would no longer be her mom.
But now.....well I am a mom. On July 9, 2008 a beautiful baby girl was laid on my stomach. She was mine. I don't have to pack and send her away on the weekends. I don't have to share the title "mom" with anyone else. I don't have to worry about the day when she will have to move and leave our family for good. She is mine as long as God sees fit to love and cherish and raise. I thank God every day for her. I don't know how I would be getting through the next few weeks without her. Her smiles fill my heart and reminds me of all things good.
Samara will never replace Dalton and Lyric. They were well....my first. They taught me more than I probably ever taught them, including what being a mom is all about. Oh...how I love them. My heart breaks thinking about the silence and emptiness that will soon envelop our house. I will never forget the first time Lyric called me "mom". She was in her high chair and we were getting ready to go to some DHS classes so that we could be approved to keep them long term. I couldn't believe my ears. In some ways is sounded like music to my ears as we had been trying to have a baby for a couple of years already and I longed to be called "mom". In other ways it made me want to cry when I realized all that my sister was missing out on. I tried hard to get Lyric to call me "Auntie" but if you know Lyric you know that when she has her mind made up about something she is a hard one to change! And so I have been her "mom" and will always be her "mom" when needed. For some reason I didn't get a picture with Dalton on Mother's Day. I think he was too busy playing. I have not always done everything right but one thing I have done right is love Dalton and Lyric with all my heart. It is hard to deal with the change that is happening and I am ashamed that at times I react in hurt and anger. I only hope that I can lead Dalton and Lyric by example in love. I pray that they will both have the relationship with their mom that every child longs for. I pray that they will know the love that only a mother can give every night as they fall asleep and every morning that greets them.
Posted by Dee at 7:48 PM 0 comments
Labels: Dalton, Lyric, Mother's Day, Samara
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Going Back
Last week was quite unusual and so I am just now getting slightly caught up. Samara started running a fever on Monday and that night it kept getting higher and she would not drink or eat. So I took her to the dr. on Tuesday. Poor baby had a double ear infection and had to get a shot. Unfortunately she ran a 104 to 105 temperature all day Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday her temperature was lower but I stayed home with her since she had been so sick and we had no sleep for the previous 3 nights.
Here is a picture of Samara's eye. It was so swollen and matted when she woke up Tuesday morning. I felt so bad for her but she had a smile for me anyway.


Posted by Dee at 6:49 PM 1 comments
Monday, May 4, 2009
Reflections
I came across this poem and it spoke volumes to me as I have been reflecting on our journey to have a child as well as our journey with Dalton and Lyric. It reminds me of myself and the many conversations I have had with God over the past few years.
Wait
By Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait.""Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word."My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Samara's reflux is doing much better this week. I did not have to take her off the medication which was a big relief. Thanks to everyone who prayed for her last week.
Posted by Dee at 6:57 PM 1 comments
Saturday, May 2, 2009
4 Weeks Left
Yesterday I started going through Dalton and Lyric's stuff. Throwing away junk, taking stuff they don't play with anymore to give away, and packing up the stuff they still play with. My sister met me and helped to decide what she actually wanted the kids to take with them. It was a hard thing to do but I handled it very well. I really didn't think about what I was doing so much as I need to get this done.
My sister packed up a lot of their stuff. I only kept a few things for them to have here until they finally leave. That is exactly four weeks away. We only have 2 weekends left with them. My mind is racing, constantly questioning and second guessing all that is happening. Should I let them go? Is this the best thing for them? Have I made the right impact on their life? Will they miss me? Will they understand? Will they be safe? What if this is the wrong thing to do?, what if I'm not there for them and they need me?, what if this is all a big mistake?
I cannot really wrap my mind around what is happening. I know this is real..... I know they will not be here to wake up in the morning....I know they will not tell me daily stories about the good and bad things that happened at school.....I know Lyric will not play hair and makeup with me at night.....I know Dalton will not read to me every day after school.....I know I will not be able to read, pray, and kiss them goodnight. I know all this but it hurts to much to really believe. It feels like we are just preparing for them to go on an extended visit somewhere and they will be back to stay. I don't know...only God does that's why I'm just trusting Him.
So we are trying to make the most of the last 2 weekends we have with Dalton and Lyric at home. Next Saturday we are taking them to Frontier City. It's a surprise! They have never been and we are really hoping for good weather. My mom is coming up to watch Samara so we can really enjoy the day with them. I'm so looking forward to this time. It reminds me of 2 summers ago when we took them to Disneyland. It was an awesome trip....one that we had hoped to take again with them. It may not be Disneyland but I'm sure we will make lots of special memories together again.
Posted by Dee at 7:09 PM 0 comments